| Stock markets are in a tailspin and investors are not sure where to put their money. It's definitely not a time for conventional methods. So here's some stock market terms whose meanings have been revised to make them more up-to-date. BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER: What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use. |
| Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will: "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?" The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself." |
| Seamus is having a bit of trouble seeing things at a distance so he goes into an opticians for an eye test. The optician asks him to cover his right eye with his left hand and read the letters on the card. Now Seamus has always had difficulty telling right from left so the optician says not to worry and to cover his left eye with his left hand and then read the letters on the card but still Seamus has problems. The optician, being a helpful chap, has a brilliant idea and taking a cardboard box, cuts out two small square holes and puts it over Seamus' head with the words, "There, now cover up one of the holes and read the letters on the card through the other hole." Seamus however bursts into tears and the optician becomes very concerned, takes the box off his head and askes why he's crying. Seamus replies, "I wanted a metal frame like me brother's got." |
| Just as we have Rajinikanth jokes, in Russia they have Putin jokes..... When Putin was late for school, the teacher punished the whole class for being early. When Putin's phone rings in the theater, they pause the movie. Doctor: "You have Cancer". Putin: "Tell it, it has two weeks to live." When Putin looks in the mirror, there's no reflection because there is only 1 Putin. When Putin was born, he named his parents. Russia didn't choose him, he chose Russia. Putin Arriving at Foreign Country's Airport: Customs Officer: "Occupation?" Putin: "No, just visiting." Putin calls 911 to ask what is their emergency. Putin built the hospital in which he was born. This guy never flushes the toilet, he just scares the shit out of it. When Putin was born, he slapped the doctor for not crying. When Putin didn't go to school, the school declared it a Holiday. Stop calling him Russian James Bond. James Bond is British Vladimir Putin. When Putin creates an account, the terms and conditions agree with him. When Putin coughs, Covid wears a mask. |