| How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side. I have a few jokes about unemployed people.... but none of them work. How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan." Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu, you get what you deserve. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday... but couldn't find any. What do you call a bee that can't quite make up its mind? A maybe. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. If and when everything is coming your way..... you're in the wrong lane. She had a photographic memory... but never developed it. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant..... but then I changed my mind. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland, of course, it's Dublin everyday. My ex-wife still misses me.... but her aim is starting to improve. The guy who invented the door knocker got a..... No-bell prize. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought.... "that's the last thing I need !" Need an ark??? I Noah guy. I used to be indecisive..... Now I'm not so sure. Sleeping comes so naturally to me that...... I can do it with my eyes closed. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine. What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus. Last, but not least, What happens when you boil a funny bone? You get a laughing stock. |
| An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful woman. "I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the 75K asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa." |
| I let my wife borrow the bmw today... I told her to be careful, there's plenty of idiots on the road in London. Sure enough about 15 minutes later on the radio; I hear that there's a car driving on the wrong side of the road in my area. I gave her a call: Be careful love, someone's driving on the wrong side of the road. Wife: Someone is...? EVERYONE IS! |
| A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training." |