| A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training." |
| While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..., "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look." She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess." |
| There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink. The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and sits at a table. The Coors CEO says, "I'll have a Coors, Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water," and joins the other CEO. The Heineken CEO says, "I'll have a Heineken, Lager Beer at its Best," and he, too, sits at the table. The Guinness CEO says, "I'll have a glass of water, please," and joins the others. The other three CEOs look at him, puzzled, and one of them inquires, "You're drinking water?" "Yes," he replies. "If you three aren't drinking beer, then neither am I." |
| Two doctors are in front of their clinic about to go in when they see a man hobbling down the street towards them. The first doctor says, "I bet that poor chap is suffering from a hernia." "No no", replies the other doctor, "Clearly he has a knee problem." When the hobbling man is about to pass them , one of the doctors says, "We have a bet, hernia or knee?" "You're both wrong, and I'm wrong" cried the hobbling man, "I thought it was a fart" |