| One of the photographers who works for me is quite graphic about his sexual powers. When he recently got married he took a lot of good natured ribbing from co-workers, but the funniest thing I heard came from our carpenter. The carpenter asked, "Well Casanova how many times did you make love to your new bride on your wedding night?" Delighted to be given an opportunity to brag, the photographer beamed and proceeded to not only tell how many times, but also how many ways. When he finally finished he suddenly remembered that the carpenter had just recently gotten married himself. "Say, now that you mention it, how about you? How many times did you manage on your wedding night?" "Just once," said the grinning carpenter, "My wife wasn't used to it" |
| Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence: "I fucked her in the bed yesterday." The word is "ONLY". The Message: 1. ONLY I fucked her in the bed yesterday. (No one else did). 2. I ONLY fucked her in the bed yesterday. (Confirmation). 3. I fucked ONLY her in the bed yesterday. (I did not fuck others). 4. I fucked her ONLY in the bed yesterday (I did not fuck outside the bed). 5. I fucked her in ONLY the bed yesterday (Not other places). 5. I fucked her in the ONLY bed yesterday (He doesn't have another bed). 7. I fucked her in the bed ONLY yesterday (Not today). 8. I fucked her in the bed yesterday ONLY (Did not wait for today). This is the beauty and complexity of the English language...!!!! |
| Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice. The first cowboy said, "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull." The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull. "Well," he said, "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me." His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull." "A range bull, why a range bull?" "Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me." Leroy nodded in agreement. Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale." "A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement. Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?" |
| It was a sexual harassment case, and it had been a long day. The young lady accusing her boss said that she was too embarrassed to repeat the words that he said to her. The Judge suggested she write them down and that the words be shown to himself and the jury. She passed the note, which read - 'Go and take your knickers off, then come sit on my knee and have a drink with me tonight', to the Judge, who then passed it on to Fred, the foreperson of the jury. Fred went to pass it on to the next juror, a middle-aged spinster who had nodded off in the stuffy courtroom. He had to nudge her to bring back full consciousness. She woke, read the note, smiled, read it a second time, winked and nodded at Fred, then put the note in her handbag! |