| Sven & Ole had been business partners and best friends for years. One morning, halfway to work, Sven realized he'd forgotten his lunch, so he went back home to get it. When he got there, he found that his wife was still in bed, naked. He says to her "Vhat's wrong vith you, voman? Vhy you vear no clothes?!?" She looks at him and says, "I vear no clothes because I haff no clothes to vear!" He looks at her for a moment and says, "Vhat you mean you haff no clothes to vear? You got plenty of clothes to vear! Look!" He opens the closet & starts sliding the hangers while counting, "See! Vun dress! Two dress! Three dress! Hello, Ole, how are you?. Four dress!" |
| An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman's doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs-she coming down, he heading up. "Honey, I have to confess," she said, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "Glad to hear that, sweetie," he answered, "because I was just coming up to kill you!" |
| An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December." |
| A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway about 15 feet. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you've seen us do." |