| Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I had a terrible day" replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection." "Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half." "I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?" Bob replied, "Wrong room..." |
| An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?" The Boeing pilot answers, "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused, "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer." |
| This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's soon to be released autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail'. When we visited India in 1995 we fell in love with the cuisine of that country. One meal in particular was totally awesome and we asked to meet the chef. We were introduced to this unassuming man named Savio Fernandes who came from the tiny coastal state of Goa. He explained how the entire meal from starters to dessert had been prepared in a uniquely Goan style. We were very impressed and asked the Cabinet Secretary if we could borrow the cook for a few months and take him to the USA to cook for us and our state guests for a while. They agreed and after a few weeks Savio joined our kitchen staff at the White House. The Portuguese ambassador was expected for a State Dinner so we asked Chef Savio Fernandes to cook a twelve course meal for the ambassador and his entourage and in the process show off his unique Indo-Portuguese cuisine. Savio suggested that the piece de resistance would be something called Sorpatel & Sanna. Bill was a bit wary as Savio described it as a very spicy dish and Bill was having a bit of a stomach upset at the time. But in the end we told Savio to go ahead. The dinner was a great hit with Savio presenting exotic dishes with names like Xacuti and Caldin and Feijado and Balchao and Vindaloo and Cafreal and Patoleo and Bebinca and what have you. Bill was particularly fascinated by the Sorpatel & Sanna and gorged away despite the delicate condition of his stomach. Just as we were saying our goodbyes it happened. Bill started getting severe cramps and nausea. He called aside the Chief of Staff and shouted at him, "Get rid of that Goan cook. Right now!". The Chief of Staff explained to Bill that proper protocol had to be followed or it would cause a diplomatic row. Bill shouted at him, "I am the President of the United States of America. If I want a chef sacked I can do it right now and don't need any of your protocols!" Just then Bill had another attack of cramps and excused himself from the room and rushed towards the bathroom. By now he was so disoriented that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. Bill was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook!" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred !!! The best 1st of April story I have heard. |
| A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud, "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough." |