| The newlyweds undressed and got into bed. "Sweetheart," asked the new wife. "Could you please hand me that jar of Vaseline over there?" "Baby, you aren't going to need any Vaseline," he growled amorously. But at her insistence he handed it over, and she proceeded to smear it liberally all over her crotch. After watching this procedure, the husband asked the wife a favor. "Remember that long string of pearls I gave your for an engagement present? Could you get them out of the bureau for me?" "Of course, love," replied his bride, "but whatever do you want them for?" "Well," he explained, looking at the Vaseline smeared all over her, "if you think I'm going into a mess like that without chains, you're crazy!" |
| It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons 'screw it' and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere." She looks at him, turns, whips out her tampon and says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments." |
| Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three. The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here." When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers. She was startled. The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it." Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers. The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan. The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid, "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry". Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table. The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?" "Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself." |
| A young journalism graduate from Cheshire had gone to work for the Liverpool Echo. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home county of Cheshire. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer named Farmer Mahon agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it." "I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy." Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, "Was there any event in your life that has made you really sad?" Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once." |