| Little Johnny and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." Little Johnny says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" Little Johnny proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock." |
| There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider." She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon." The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?" So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?" He says "No, I'm trying to get them out." |
| A nice story - will make you appreciate family...however for most of us, it's too late! My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft Irish voice. "Makes your dick look bigger." Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? |
| A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" |