| Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?" and she acts like she is asleep every time!! |
| Two guys were talking at the bar. One said, "I didn't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything and what she doesn't have she buys for herself. I asked a friend what to give her and he suggested a gift certificate for an hour of great sex, any way she wanted it." "Great idea! Did you do it?" "Yeah." "And did she like it?" "Yeah, that's why I'm here, drinking alone. She loved it so much, she jumped up and down, thanked me, and ran out the door, yelling, 'See you in an hour'!" |
| A newlywed couple gets back from their honeymoon and the husband decides that he wants to watch the video of their first night as husband and wife. He plays the tape and hears his wife say, "Ahh, ahh, that's happiness. Ahh, ahh, that's happiness." Just then, his new bride walks in and says, "You moron, that's slo-mo." She rewinds the tape and plays it at normal speed: "Ha, ha, that's a penis? Ha, ha, that's a penis?" |
| At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?" Paddy rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened." "Go ahead, Paddy. Take the stand." Paddy explained, "Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!" The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?" replied Paddy, "He broke three of my fingers!" |