| The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested. The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron." The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied. "Of course," the woman replied. "Then how about five more inches?" |
| A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!" "A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance." "Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes." |
| Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheikh came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheikh turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheikh. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheikh. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" |
| A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?" The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant." The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?" |