| There is a fish in a lake watching a fly 3 inches above the water. The fish thinks if that fly goes down three inches I'll get it. Meanwhile on the bank a bear is watching the fish and the fly and thinks, if that fly goes down three inches the fish will jump for the fly and I'll get the fish. While behind the bear on a hill a hunter is watching everything and thinks that if that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump for the fly, and the bear will go for the fish, and I'll shoot the bear. Behind the hunter though, is a mouse. The mouse thinks that if the fly goes down three inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will get the bear, and I'll get the hunter's cheese. Now stalking the mouse is a cat, the cat thinks that if the fly goes down three inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will get the bear, the mouse will get the hunter's cheese and I'll get the mouse... So the fly goes down three inches and the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the cheese, but the cat misses the mouse and falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is for every fly that goes down three inches there is a wet pussy. |
| A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!" The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls." |
| A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see... she caught you at it, too." |
| Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull. The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says, "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows." The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows." The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says, "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!" About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes. The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says, "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it." The youngest bull replies, "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!" |