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Lost Husband
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated, so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here licketysplit."
"No, no, no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the ass, grab-a the tits...but he no lickety split!" -
Extra Large
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit He went into a showroom and when asked by a sweet young woman if She could help him answered, "Yes ma'am. You see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow ... that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How's about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow ... that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well ... I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well, the sweet woman tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money ... she asked, "Sir could I ask you a... well, a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is ... and the answer is....... 4 inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across, ma'am?" -
Irritated Cowboy
When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed a cowboy to feed and water the cattle during the journey.
Following the unloading of the cattle in stockyard, this cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order.
"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold, and waiter, open the windows, I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in here."
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order.
"I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and waiter, kick down the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house." -
No Underpants
An American lady on vacation in Scotland is visiting a Scottish castle.
There are these Scottish guards everywhere all decked out in their Scottish uniforms outfitted with the traditional Scottish kilt.
Her curiosity was killing her and she was just not going to make the trip all the way from the USA without asking the proverbial question.
A bit nervous she goes up to one and blurts out, "Excuse me Sir, but is their any truth to the story that you don't wear any underpants under your kilt?"
He answers, "Well, Ma'am, why don't you put your hand up underneath and see for yourself?"
So she does, and screams out, "Oh good heavens, its gruesome!"
The guard replies, "Why don't you try again, Ma'am?"
And she obliges. "Oh, God damn, its gruesome more!"