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Bullshit Session
The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)
"I can't believe you mate" the Aussie remarked.
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch man, they stretch." -
Sign Language
Once upon a time, there was a bridge between an American held territory and a Polish Country. An American soldier was assigned to walk and guard the bridge, so did the Polish. The American soldier was given strict orders not to talk with the Polish soldier as they met at the center of the bridge on each patrol.
The American became bored, so obeying orders not to talk; he decided sign language was OK. On the next pass, he gestured by putting both hands above his head and moving his fingers as he brought his hands down (asking of course, are you in the paratroops?)
The Polish soldier frowned and passed on by.
The next pass the American took his right hand two fingers and walked them down his left arm (you must be in the ground troops?)
The Polish soldier frowned again.
The next pass the American took his left hand and made a circle with his index finger and thumb, and inserted his right index finger through the circle (you must be in artillery?)
The Polish soldier threw down his rifle and ran off the bridge!!
The American's CO called the American soldier in and asked, "What in the hell did you say to that Polish soldier?!!!"
The American said, "Nothing, just some sign language."
The American CO said, "Do you know what he told his CO? He told his CO that you told him 'When the sun comes down...I'm going to walk across this bridge to your camp... and Fuck you in the Asshole!!!" -
Special Condom
One day an Indian chief walked into a pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist. The pharmacist walks out and asks the chief, "How may I help you?"
The Chief replies, "Me got too many kids, need condoms."
The pharmacist assists the chief with selecting an over-the-counter brand of condom and sends him on his way. The next morning, the chief walks back into the pharmacy with a shredded, badly mangled condom. Shocked, the pharmacist asks what had happened.
Throwing the condom onto the counter, the chief replies angrily, "Last night, left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go BOOM!"
Surprised of the results, the pharmacist gives the chief special prescription condoms that are originally intended for use by adult film stars and NBA players. Hoping this does the trick, the pharmacist sends the chief on his way.
The next morning, the chief comes barging through the door with a shredded condom in his hand. Extremely surprised, the pharmacist asks the chief what happened.
The chief replies angrily, "Left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go BOOM!"
At his wits end, the pharmacist tells the chief to wait while he goes to the sporting goods store. At the store, the pharmacist buys a bike tire and a patch kit. He then takes a length of the tube, cuts it to a length, seals off one end with the patch kit, and hands it to the chief, knowing that this was his last hope.
The next morning, the Indian chief walks through the door walking bow-legged, very slowly, and with obvious pain. Surprised, the pharmacist runs out and asks the chief what the hell happened.
The chief looks him in the eye sadly, and with a very hoarse voice replies, "Left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go "Ungh," left nut go BOOM!" -
Beach Bum
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one has seen you around."
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail ?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"