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Nursing home
Reluctantly, the Segal family had to put their grandfather in a nursing home. As all the Jewish homes were full, they had to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the home, they came to visit him.
"How do you like it here, Zeida?" asked the grandson.
"It`s wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Zeida.
"We`re so happy for you," said the children on hearing this. "We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Zeida said with a big smile.
"There`s a musician here - he`s 85 years old. Although he hasn`t played the violin in 20 years, everyone still calls him `Maestro`."
"And there`s a physician here - 90 years old. Although he hasn`t been practicing medicine for 25 years, everyone still calls him `Doctor`."
"And me, although I haven`t had sex for 20 years, they still call me the "F***ing Jew." -
The raffle
There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie, is a BMW Royce."
Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Jacob, is a BMW and a cheque for £20,000."
Huge applause. Frank goes up to collect his keys and cheque and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe, is a piece of fruit cake!"
Ghastly silence. Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a BMW, 3rd prize was a BMW plus a cheque for £20,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It`s made by the Rabbi`s wife"
"F**k the Rabbi`s wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the 1st prize as well?" came the reply -
African Roulette
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. As he`s leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called `Russian Roulette`, to demonstrate one`s courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger....CLICK...empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest and says, "Your turn."
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual.CLICK....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. As he`s leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette` and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one`s courage.
The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal." -
Condom factory
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. "My people`s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Bush, the Russian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Putin.
"I do need your help" said Mr. Bush.
"Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I`ll get right on it," said Putin.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied Putin
Mr. Bush hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Russians will fall for anything.
Putin hung up and called the CEO of a condom company.
"I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to America?"
"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.
"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Putin. "Print `MADE IN Russia`, SIZE: SMALL on each one."