| A working mother suspected her teenage son of bringing home girls after school. So, one morning she decided to buy a parrot. Entering the pet store, she asked the owner if he had any talking parrots. He replied that he has one that has been in the shop for years and knew thousands of words. When she asked why the parrot had been there so long he told her that the parrot was handicapped. It didn't have any feet. She wondered out loud how he hung on to his perch and the embarrassed owner told her that the parrot just wrapped his penis around the perch and hung on. Desperate, she bought him anyway and hung the cage in her son's room. After returning home that night, she was anxious for answers. "Did you see anything?" she asked the parrot. The parrot squawked, "Wrrakk! Your son brought a beautiful girl home from school!" The mother was upset by this and asked, "What else did he do?" The parrot replied, "Wrrakk! He took off all of her clothes!" Now she was REALLY mad and said. "And then what did you see?" And the parrot squawked, "Nothing! Wrrakk... I fell off my perch!" |
| A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy he place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied. |
| Sadie and Yetta, two widows are talking. Sadie, "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Yetta, "Vell... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine, even, uniformed chauffeur and all. "Then he takes me out for dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just die from pleasure! "So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Sadie, "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Yetta, "No... I'm just saying, vear an old dress." |
| Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy said "Me feet are freezing, will you nip upstairs and get my slippers for me?" "No bother", said Murphy and goes upstairs. There he finds Paddy's stunning twin 19 year old daughters sitting on the bed. "Hello girls", he said smiling, "Your Dad sent me up here to shag the pair of ye!" "Feck off ya liar!" they replied. "I'll prove it!" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course! What's the use of fucking one?" |