| I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey." After about a week, I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to one pack of cigarettes a night now." |
| A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse. The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before. Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes. "You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?" "I wasn't quite sure," replied the man. "Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife. "You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..." |
| The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested. The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron." The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied. "Of course," the woman replied. "Then how about five more inches?" |
| A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!" "A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance." "Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes." |