| The Kosher bakeries motzah machine speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $5,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was 3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old Morris. Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years. In fact he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn't impressed by much. As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself. "Thank goodness you're here," he said. "How long will it take you to fix it?" Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, "Oh, about fifteen minutes.... so don't worry ." "Great!" replied the plant manager, "My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need." After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, "I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!" "I can and I will," replied Morris. "As soon as I figure out what the fuck is wrong with it!" |
| Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?" |
| Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza? No sir, it's Google's Pizza. Did I dial the wrong number? No sir, Google bought the pizza store. Oh, alright - then I'd like to place an order please. Okay sir, do you want the usual? The usual? You know what my usual is? According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you've ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust. Okay - that's what I want this time too. May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead? No, I hate vegetables. But your cholesterol is not good. How do you know? Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Maybe so, but I don't want the pizza you suggest - I already take medicine for high cholesterol. But you haven't taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets. I bought more from another drugstore. It's not showing on your credit card sir. I paid in cash. But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash. I have another source of cash. This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source. To HELL With your Pizza..!!! ENOUGH!! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there's no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me... I understand sir, but you'll need to renew your PASSPORT... it expired 5 weeks ago. |
| A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!` |