| When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief. However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2 percent were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn "Cah", but he could not say "Truck". |
| A man visits a doctor for routine check-up. During check-up he asks the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" Doctor replies, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." The man, little annoyed, says, "I don't come in here for any of that astrology nonsense." The doctor replied, "Neither do I. My rectal thermometer just broke." |
| As the UK and French governments began plans for the Chunnel (English Channel Tunnel), they realized they didn't have the ability to build it themselves, so they put the project out for bid. Three teams: a German team, a Japanese team, and a Team from Punjab, led by Santa, submitted proposals and were asked to present their proposals to the selection committee. The German team led off the presentations, with their main selling point being their engineering prowess. The German presenter showed their latest generation tunnel boring machines with laser guided accuracy, impressing the committee. The German concluded his presentation saying, "For 2 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and one year later we will meet in the middle with and be less than 1 meter off!" The Japanese had a tough act to follow, but they knew their process quality techniques and enhanced productivity were better. The Japanese presenter showed their latest tunnel boring machines with advanced radar, their acumen in statistical process control, then bowed and stated, "For 1.8 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and 9 months later, we will meet in the middle and be less than 1 centimeter off!" The Punjabi team knew they were in trouble, but really believed in the work ethic of their people, so they decided to pitch their strengths. Team leader Santa looked the committee in the eyes as stated, "For 1 billion Euros and 50,000 cases of Whiskey, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, hic, and if we don't meet in the middle you'll get TWO tunnels for the price of ONE!" |
| If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is liquid, it must be shaken then spilled. If it is solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with full speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is trash, it must be removed, inspected and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a pen or pencil, it must write on refrigerator, monitor, TV or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting empty. If it is empty, it must be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If it is a paper, it must be torn. If it has switches, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet. |