| One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?" "No," said the other priest. "Well" said the first priest, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time." "Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?" "Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first priest. "Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death." |
| Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!" |
| The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'" |
| A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?" |