| Marge was in bed with a man. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. The man said, "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home!!! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk he isn't going to notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, youre so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, and four... Gosh, you're right, dear!" |
| A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, when he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove. At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed, "Come down, Holy Spirit!" Still no sign of the dove. The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters, "Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the yellow cat?" |
| A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share." "Buy me 1,000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares." "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker asked, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock." |
| A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?" "Beef tongue," replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!" The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!" |