| There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love." The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!" |
| David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, "Ok. At least give me a hint." David Beckham sighs and says, "I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?" Driver replies, "No, you idiot! Where are we going??" |
| I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" "She asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" Then she asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. She asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said... She looked at me and said, "Then why in heck do you want to live to be 80??" Have a GREAT day! |
| A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one. "Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew. "That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?" "My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather!" said the Jew. "I gather," said an increasingly bored pontiff. "In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years," the Jew kept pressing. At his wit's end, the pontiff replied, "You have been going on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?" "Your Holiness," said the Jew, "The Last Supper Bill still hasn't been paid!" |