| Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attenders left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?" "All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand." "No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?" Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Shul for the Rabbi's services. The food and drinks were another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone." Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?" "Seven and a half carats." |
| Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer, "Yes." The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer, "Yes what?" Instantly the computer responded, "Yes Sir." |
| I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed." The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'" |
| There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" |