| One of Russia's Ambassadors was having dinner with Putin and said that time zones around the world confused him. "Why?" Putin asks. "Ah, Mr. President, I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me it's tomorrow. I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it was yesterday." "Well, these are just minor inconveniences," Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President on board? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!" |
| I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!" |
| A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!" |
| Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?" "Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night." "That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?" "I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!" |