| An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown. "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it." "Try further down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace." |
| A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll ruin you all!'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked. "Just a couple of minutes ago." |
| A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard. The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??" |
| A Colombian, Russian, Arab and a Punjabi were in a discussion during an Antique Collectors' Dinner. Colombian Drug Lord: "I have loads of money.... I want to buy the world's 10 rarest pens." Russian: "I am a billionaire... I want to buy the world's 20 most highly valued antique watches." Arab: "That's nothing! I am a rich prince... I intend to purchase the world's top 50 Vintage cars." Then they wait for the Punjabi to speak. He sips his whisky, bites into his chicken leg piece, places the glass neatly on the table, takes a bite again, back with hands on the head and softly says, "I am not selling." |