| A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?" He answered, "Twelve." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother." MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right words. |
| Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it," replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study." "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?" |
| A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries. "Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly. "That's amazing, do it again." Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart. "Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end. The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?" "Open the window, it stinks in here." |
| When the heir to the Rothschild fortune visited a poor Jewish village near Budapest, the locals poured out to greet him. With all due ceremony, he was given a small parade, met with the mayor, and awarded a key to the city. At the local inn, he ordered some roast chicken for brunch. When he finished, he received a bill larger than the most expensive bottle of wine his family sold. "This is outrageous!" Rothschild shouted at the innkeeper. "Never in my life have I been charged so much for a roast chicken! Are chickens that rare around here?" "Not at all," said the innkeeper reassuringly. "But millionaires - ah, they are a rarity!" |