| When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin.... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze. |
| Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies. One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said, "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said, "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!" Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts. The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!" The congregation replied, "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." |
| A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!" The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what "AH" meant. The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an a$shole!" and then returned to his cruiser. The violator's a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?" "Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'" "What does 'AH' stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'A$shole'?" The officer grinned, "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!" |
| I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I worked repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt, so to free it I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt, so I could then remove it. "So, things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. "Yes," I said. "That's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said. |