| Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat." Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!" The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail." |
| Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" |
| Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike. Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Brad, open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?" "Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?" "Brad, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues... Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?" |
| Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!" |