| An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says, "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So? What did the doctor say?"] "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."] "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors, "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!" Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky." Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky." Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?" "I told him... nothing's wrong. He got OFF LUCKY!" |
| A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes." "You come from Talahasee, Florida?" "Yes." "Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?" The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe! |
| A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?" |
| John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door." |