| On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match." |
| A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "Well... I'd have to know a little more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age,` she said. `He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..." "Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!" |
| George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, does someone live in your shed? and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available?" |
| Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!" His mother was so embarrassed. "Johnny, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!" For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them. Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?" |