| Moms will be Moms... Doesn't matter who you are. Here is some Mom talk. Issac Newton's mother - "But did you wash the apple before eating it?" Archimedes's mother - "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???" Thomas Edison's mother - Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed !!!" Abraham Lincoln's mother - "Now that you have become President for heaven's sake get rid of that shabby tailcoat and stovepipe hat, and buy yourself a decent outfit." James Watt's mother - "If you just keep watching that damn lid lifting and dropping, rice will be burnt. Turn off the stove now." Alexander Graham Bell's mother - "You have installed this new silly thing in the house alright, but I do not want girls calling you at odd hours." Galileo Galilei's mother - "What use is seeing that goddamn moon with your telescope if it does not help me to see my mother in Milano." Samuel Morse's mother - "Make sure your school report card doesn't have only dashes and dots." Mona Lisa's mother - "After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the best smile you can give us ?" Michelangelo's mother - "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?" Albert Einstein's mother - "Can't you do something about your hair ? Use styling gel or something?" Bill Gates's mother - "You keep browsing all day long; watch out if I ever catch you on any adult web-site." Danial Fahrenheit's mother - "Stop playing with boiling water and let me make tea." Georg Ohm's mother - "I don't like you resisting everything I say." Robert Boyle's mother - "If your volume is really inversely proportional to pressure, you must be having a constipation. Take a laxative." Alessandro Volta's mother - "It is shocking to see you all the while dipping those copper and zinc rods in that beaker." Andre Ampere's mother - `Apart from fooling around all the time shall you ever find time to glance through your current books!" Socrates's mother - "If you keep drinking from any cup, it is not necessary that you will also survive like Meera Bai." Christopher Columbus' mother - "I don't care what you were busy discovering and where, you could still have dropped a two line letter!" Dedicated to All Mothers, But for Whom The Human Civilisation wouldn't Have Progressed. |
| My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me." "But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!" Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!" |
| A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hair. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Landrover you booked for speeding last week." |
| Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken. |