| During my School Days, I came home with my Maths Mark Sheet showing 90 marks scored by me in an exam, hoping to get compliments from my Dad. However, once my Dad took a glance of it, he said I added the 0 on the Mark Sheet to make it 90 and beat me a lot. I told him honestly that I didn't add the 0 but he wouldn't believe me. I felt so depressed that my Dad did not believe me that I did not add the 0.... and till date don't know why my Dad kept saying I added the 0. Actually I added 9. |
| He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throws admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he gathered courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?' "Why you silly man, I said 'Yes, Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because.... I couldn't remember who asked me." Happy Valentine's Day |
| Stock markets are in a tailspin and investors are not sure where to put their money. It's definitely not a time for conventional methods. So here's some stock market terms whose meanings have been revised to make them more up-to-date. BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER: What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use. |
| Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will: "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?" The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself." |