| A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need, worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!" |
| The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?" "Oh, no." The man shook his head. The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly. As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall. "She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?" The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again. "No, no, I couldn't do that." He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing. The nurse went back into the room and coached Mom's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world. As the baby's head began to exit the birth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!" At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant smile shone through her tears. The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed. "You were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!" By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the birth of their son." "This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!" |
| One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" |
| To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago. After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms. He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith." "You've found her, Father," smiled the lady. "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." He said glancing at the baby in her arms. "That's correct, Father, he surely did--But I didn't." |