| A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen. "Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the lot of the fresh salmon." Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again. "Ma'am, the cat is dead!" The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped. Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!" |
| Interviewers ask routine questions to a candidate.... Q: Tell us about yourself ? A: Yourself is pronoun used when the subject and object of the verb are you. Q: What are your expectations ? A: Salary. Q: What challenges you faced in your earlier job ? A: Staying awake after lunch !! Q: Why do you want to join our company ? A: Nobody else is taking me. Your company is closer to my home.... Q: What attracts you to our company ? A: The receptionist !! Q: Why you left your previous job ? A: Previous company shifted office and they didn't inform me new address !! Q: Are you willing to travel 20 days in a month ? A: Yes...but just don't ask me where I had gone...!! |
| Moms will be Moms... Doesn't matter who you are. Here is some Mom talk. Issac Newton's mother: "But did you wash the apple before eating it?" Archimedes's mother: "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???" Thomas Edison's mother: Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed !!!" Abraham Lincoln's mother: "Now that you have become President for heaven's sake get rid of that shabby tailcoat and stovepipe hat, and buy yourself a decent outfit." James Watt's mother: "If you just keep watching that damn lid lifting and dropping, rice will be burnt. Turn off the stove now." Alexander Graham Bell's mother: "You have installed this new silly thing in the house alright, but I do not want girls calling you at odd hours." Galileo Galilei's mother: "What use is seeing that goddamn moon with your telescope if it does not help me to see my mother in Milano." Samuel Morse's mother: "Make sure your school report card doesn't have only dashes and dots." Mona Lisa's mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the best smile you can give us ?" Michelangelo's mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?" Albert Einstein's mother: "Can't you do something about your hair ? Use styling gel or something?" Bill Gates's mother: "You keep browsing all day long; watch out if I ever catch you on any adult web-site." Danial Fahrenheit's mother: "Stop playing with boiling water and let me make tea." Georg Ohm's mother: "I don't like you resisting everything I say." Robert Boyle's mother: "If your volume is really inversely proportional to pressure, you must be having a constipation. Take a laxative." Alessandro Volta's mother: "It is shocking to see you all the while dipping those copper and zinc rods in that beaker." Andre Ampere's mother: "Apart from fooling around all the time shall you ever find time to glance through your current books!" Socrates's mother: "If you keep drinking from any cup, it is not necessary that you will also survive like Meera Bai." Christopher Columbus' mother: "I don't care what you were busy discovering and where, you could still have dropped a two line letter!" Dedicated to All Mothers, But for Whom The Human Civilisation wouldn't Have Progressed. |
| A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him. The young man felt sorry for them and asked, "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?" The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50." The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?" The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth." |