| Stage 1 - Smart: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in. Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty: This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun. Stage 3 - Rich: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth. Stage 4 - Bulletproof: You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses. Stage 5 - Invisible: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember. |
| A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit." |
| Newly married Alan goes to meet Father George. He greets the priest and says, "Father, I need to talk to you." The Priest asks, "Is it a confession, my son ?" Alan replies, "No, Father! I need to clarify something." The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, "Tell me, Alan. What is it ?" Alan asks, "Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage ?" The Priest smiles and replied, "Alan, my son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers three stimulii. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, altar, and hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself - I'LL ALTER HIM." |
| A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells an officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted !" Officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding ? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" "Bullshit ! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months !" |