| I was headed for a blind date last night, but I was worried... what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there is an app for just that situation. It's called Mum Are You Okay. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with; Mum? What's the matter? Are you okay? It works every time, so no worries. So anyway, I knocked on the girl's door and it turns out I needn't have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous with stunning looks. But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mum? What's the matter? Are you okay?" |
| A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after- school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. |
| Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped. "Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this." "Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here." |
| The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. |