| Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..." |
| Once a lawyer was travelling by train in A/c class. He was traveling from New Delhi to Mumbai! He was traveling alone! Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat down on the berth opposite to him. Lawyer was pleasantly Happy! The lady kept smiling at him! This made him even more Happy! She got up and sat next to him! Lawyer was now bubbling with Joy! She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear, "Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me else I will shout and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me." Lawyer stared blankly at her! He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote: "I can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say." The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him! He took her note, kept it in his pocket! He got up and told her in clear tones... "Now shout & scream!!" MORAL: DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT. |
| A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful. "For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?" "What?" exclaimed the judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "after all, he knew exactly where it was." |
| A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do." How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client? |