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Upload to Facebook After a month's dieting, my wife and I decided that we could have a cheat day.
She brought an extra-large cheese pizza and I was fine. But when I brought home my girlfriend, she's furious.
Women are difficult to understand! -
Upload to Facebook Empty sports stadiums introduce me to artificial crowd noise.
Me: Alexa, play cheering fans as I load the dishwasher! -
Upload to Facebook Boy 1: I am so excited Halloween is coming.
Boy 2: But you never celebrate Halloween.
Boy 1: This Halloween will be the first time I wore a mask since I was ten years old! -
Upload to Facebook Wife: Where's that beautiful girl who was serving drinks?
Friend: What do you want, the girl or a drink?
Wife: Neither, I'm looking for my husband! -
Upload to Facebook Doctor: Why did you miss your appointment yesterday?
Patient: Sorry I was sick! -
Upload to Facebook Earlier: By word of mouth.
Now: By the word of social media! -
Upload to Facebook Half my humor is puns, the other half is memes.
The third half is an absurdity! -
Upload to Facebook Boss: Why are you late?
Employee: It's not your concern.
Boss: What?
Employee: Traffic jam.
Boss: I don't care about traffic.
Employee: I told you! -
Upload to Facebook Really ashamed to say that my friends cannot handle alcohol. Last night, they dropped me thrice while carrying me out of the bar! -
Upload to Facebook That moment when you walk through a spider web and instantly turn into a karate master!
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