My dignity and integrity are absolutely essential to me," says the woman who is rated as India's most beautiful actress.

"I can't live without them. The rest of the things in my life come later. I've gone through a lot. I don't want to feel the pain any longer," tells Bollywood queen Aishwarya Rai.

But Aishwarya Rai doesn't hold grudges. Contrary to the image created in the press of a flawless porcelain beauty, she gets hurt and she bleeds.

In fact the recent wounds surface suddenly in her effervescent conversation when she says, "I've gone through a lot. I don't want to feel the pain any longer."

Many take her characteristic laughter and unabashed joie de vivre as signs of plasticity. "Too perfect to be true," seems to be the superficial reading of the mystery of Aishwarya Rai.

But the laughter and ebullience is no mask. Aishwarya is as real as she comes. Her involvement with and commitment to self-improvement is so passionate that many filmmakers misconstrue her attitude to be arrogance. It doesn't take Aishwarya long to forget. But she doesn't forgive that easily. If somebody betrays her or lets her down, she would rather move away quietly instead of wallowing in the slush of recrimination.

Her association with Salman Khan was perhaps the biggest mistake of her life. No one, not even her closest friends or family, knows the pain and humiliation she suffered during that period. But somewhere the hardcore professional in her is thankful, even - dare I say? - grateful for the experience. Because it has enriched her beyond measure as an actress. The relationship, which had started on the sets of Sanjay Leela Bhansali's "Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam", reached a breaking point on the sets of the same director's "Devdas", where Salman was a regular visitor. If her performance as the love-lorn Paro struck such deep chords, it was because the woman within the actress empathised with the character.

Today when she shares a romantic moment with Vivek Oberoi in their new film "Kyun Ho Gaya Na", the past asserts itself in the very title of the film.

Fans of "Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam" would recall Salman's quip after his first encounter with Aishwarya. "Kyon? Ho gaya na!"

Love has a way claiming and reclaiming those who deserve it the most. And Aishwarya Rai is certainly a prime candidate for the honour. The most eligible bachelor girl in India makes herself immensely warm and accessible on the sets of her films.

On the location for her latest film "Shabd" in Goa, Aishwarya huddles for discussion together with her director debutant Leena Bajaj. This is her first film with a woman director. And Aishwarya is consumed by the rites of creation. After every shot she huddles over the video monitor lips pursed, jaws tense, fists clenched in anticipation.

Remind her of her fierce concentration - a quality that has gone so far in taking her to where she is in the star-hiearchy - and she laughs, "You know me. I don't believe in half-measures. I'd rather do what I've to do or not do it at all."

On the sets of Rituparno Ghosh's "Raincoat" in Kolkata, Aishwarya focuses on her ordinary Bihari housewife's character with a slicing empathy. Ritu, who worked earlier with her in the much-acclaimed "Chokher Bali" is already thinking of signing her for a third film.

Every film, even those, which haven't worked as well as they were expected to, is a step forward for Aishwarya. Her ultimate goal now seems to be Hollywood.

And if the truth be told, Aishwarya is the only actor from India to generate a modicum of interest abroad. Gurinder Chaddha has already prophesied that "Bride & Prejudice" would make her an international star. I've no reason to disbelieve her.

"Out here Ash is seen as the representative of Bollywood," tells Rahul Bose.

But nothing comes easily to Aishwarya. She may look like the perfect success- story. But her devastating beauty has always been an impediment to her being taken seriously as an actress. When you tell her no director has extracted the same quality of performance from her as Sanjay Leela Bhansali, she protests, "No, I disagree. I think I work equally hard and successfully with others. It's just that Sanjay is such a superior creator and a very close friend who knows exactly what to take out of me."

Though the two of them are bound to work together again, Aishwarya and Sanjay 's relationship got strained when he sided with his friend Salman after the break up. Recently she walked over to where Sanjay was shooting, hugged him and dissolved their differences.

"That's me. I'd do anything for friendship. But not at the cost of my self respect," she smiles.

How true her words were a recent incident about a role in Ketan Mehta's "The Rising" proven. It wasn't really so much the money that gravitated Aishwarya Rai away from Ketan Mehta's much-talked-about historical movie.

No matter what the general opinion on her fee habits, Aishwarya isn't money-minded. If she was, she wouldn't have turned down the female lead in the Brad Pitt epic "Troy". She was offered the plum role of Helen (now played by Rose Byrne) at a fee which no Asian actor has seen or heard of. Aishwarya declined because she had to do many nude and love-making scenes -- and never mind if she was pitted against Pitt!.

No. The reason for Rai's wry refusal of "The Rising" resides elsewhere. Aishwarya Rai was supposed to play a victim of the ancient Hindu rite of sati. Ever politically correct, she declined to go against her personal ideology. She won't do anything that shames her or her country. She's only too aware of her growing iconic status.

The refusal from Aishwarya Rai was, as usual, unbearable to those who were turned down. They turned around and issued press statement about her "irresponsible" behaviour.

But the lady at the vortex remained as calm as ever. Aishwarya Rai doesn't need to be worked up. She has conquered too many peaks for pique. She'd rather pick and choose. And head westwards where, hopefully, she'll be Bollywood's first acknowledged star.