/> How are you coping with the changed circumstances?
I have no clear answer to give. I really don't know...Certain days are okay, others are not so good. There're times when all that I shared with him (husband Pataudi) seems unreal. Initially I had completely lost my power to concentrate on anything.

I had been to a film festival in Kolkata in November. And speaking even a few lines was an ordeal. I'd forget what I was saying. Then I went to the NDDC's film festival in January. It was slightly better then. But still it was bad. Now it's much better.

One has to find ways to forget the pain...
Yes, like I did a reading on stage of Rabindranath Tagore's poetry with Soumitra Chatterjee in January. It was ...enriching. I had never done anything on stage where your performance gets an instant response from the audience.

While you perform you can get a dialogue from the audience. While shooting you just get the fragmented feedback of a few. But here the audience responed spontaneously.

It was a very rewarding. More so because I was reading with my old co-star Soumitra, and that too Tagore. It was totally enhancing.

What occupies your mind these days?
There's a lot of churning, a lot of looking back. I'm reading a lot of Tagore, Dostoevsky and all my favourite authors. Going back is a wonderful experience. It's...archival. I'm looking at old photographs, throwing out the things I don't need. I'm pruning my life to a manageable amount.



At the same time you've to play the part of both parents to your three childrem?
My children are grown up. They take their own decision. They're very affectionate and good towards me. My daughters are very special. Soha is calm and clever, very much like Tiger. Very clear in her priorities, and very giving.

I'm very privileged to have her as my daughter. And I feel the same way about Kareena. She is very much part of the family. Saif and Kareena complement one another. He's mercurial. She's grounded. She's very well brought-up.

You sound very affectionate towards her.
I am. You know, we may think we're a progressive people. But in our society matriarchal families are still looked at with much scepticism and smirking. But I find Kareena and her sister Karisma (whom I don't know that well) very grounded.

Kareena, I've seen through the crisis in my family. She was there through Tiger's illness and very quiet, absolutely not in-your- face. Tiger passed away on the 22nd September and Kareena's birthday was on the 23rd.

Saif and Kareena were planning to go away. They didn't. That was no big deal. But she made sure no big deal was made of it. The only thing she kept saying was, ‘Oh God I hope it (the death) doesn't happen on the 23rd. I don't want this on my birthday. '

It was very nice to have her around at that time. Because she just fitted in. Just before Tiger's going was his 70th birthday. Again she was just there.

In spite of being such a big achiever she's very grounded. All the people who work for her are her friends. They are loyal to her and she's loyal to them. It says something about her, no?



She has blended into your family?
Very very well. It's so easy to accept her. I am very happy for Saif. He's really lucky. I hope he continues to appreciate her. Otherwise he'll have me to deal with.

And what about Soha's guy Kunal Khemu?
He's also very nice. But he's young and trying to find his bearings in life. He's got a lot of goals in front of him. He will find himself, I'm sure.

So two weddings coming up in the family?
I don't know about the second one (Soha-Kunal). But Saif's wedding is definitely happening. As soon as the weather improves (after the summer and monsoon) it is happening.



You'll miss Pataudi Saab at the wedding.
What's the point of thinking that way? But I am sure he will be there. Our world revolves around him.

He will never go away...
I don't know. At the moment it's all very ambiguous. One day I feel his presence, the next day I feel he was never there. It was all imagination. Right now there's a lot of churning, and a lack of motivation.

I'm reading P G Wodehouse and Vikram Seth. These two have helped me out. Vikram Seth's poetry has been a great healer. I re-read all his poems. He's been a saviour.

Time is the healer?
I am not too sure of that. Because initially I was numbed. But now it's begun to sink in that this is permanent. The loss is now becoming more real. Life has changed completely. This is the new normal. I've to adjust to that. How much I want to forget and not forget, is not in my hands.

Sometimes I feel he was never there. I look at pictures and go into thoughts. But that isn't real. He isn't there to discuss things with me. At this time last year we were in Turkey for a friend's party.

From there we went to Israel. Very soon in September I'll have no reference points in 2012 with my husband. That he is gone is not acceptable to me. At the same time it's the reality.



Do you enjoy Saif's new role as the heir-apparent?
Well, he is the head of the family now. He is morally responsible for the wellbeing of his mother, sisters and wife-to-be. He is the support and decision maker. It's all a bit daunting for him. But he's trying. He has a responsibility towards his heritage.

I am not saying we're terribly rich. But we aren't poor either. We're a normal working-class family. All of us have worked hard to get where we are. We'd like Saif to carry his father's legacy forward. If he can't add to it he shouldn't allow it to be eroded either.