by Subhash K Jha

Gosh, I'm thoroughly confused about the movies during the past weeks. They came in a sweeping swamp of genres, styles, moods and tempo. From the metro-centric Home Delivery, to the horny-anhonee Neal 'N' Nikki, to the Bangkok-bang-bang Ek Ajnabee, to the bluffer's guide to bollywood Bluff Master ....to the earthy porn projection of Kalyug.....

"My mind is reeling," I confessed to my friend. "The guy in Home Delivery said, 'Ladkiyan mardon ke liya ek bahut badaa samasya khadaa kar deti hain'...Do you think Sujoy Ghosh meant ....an erection? And the girl in Neal 'N' Nikki wore nothing but a bra all through."

"So what's wrong with that?" my friend laughed.

"She forgot to wear anything else on top," I was blushing a beet-root. "At least when Superman wears his underwear on top he doesn't forget to put on his clothes underneath."

Honestly, I thought I had suddenly become hopelessly out of step with the films being made nowadays. I had a major problem connecting with at least a dozen films in recent months....Among them Vivek Agnihotri's Chocolate, Suparn Verma's Ek Khiladi Ek Haseena, Antara Mali's Mr Ya Ms ...

The worst blow was Nikki 'N' Neal. The director Arjun Sablok is a friend. I had seen his first film Na Tum Jano Na Hum in 2002. In the year when one of Indian cinema's best films ever—Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Devdas -- was released, Arjun's minature work of art stood out for its quiet elegance and gentle old-world charm.

Fast-forward to 2005.... Three years later Arjun's cinema has turned into a libidinous monster. Strangely enough he claims Neal 'N' Nikki, with its endless tits-and-phallus-corkscrew Mallika and Sherawat jokes('corkscrew'.....gimme a break!) is closer to his personality. Even the quiet gentle Rohan Sippy claims Bluff Master is more 'him' than his first film, the elegiac and romantic Kuch Na Kaho.

Let me get this straight. Bluff Master and Neal 'N' Nikki are more reflective of their directors' personality than their gentle romantic debut efforts?

r are they actually saying, 'Hey guys, this is what I think you wanna see. So here it is...with the chef's compliments.'

But wait! I don't think too many people want the new fancy meal. They would much rather have the old pickled spice-papad-chutney thali ...Which is why last week when the trailer of Suneel Darshan's Dosti came on during one of the avant-garde chic-and-swish flicks , there was a murmer of approval among the audience.

God knows what it will finally amount to. But at least it looks like it has got a plot to support its shimmering design.

I agree completely with my friend Vishal Bhardwaj when he says the best and most reliable measure of a film's success is its story. If you come out of a film and you can't answer the very elementary question –'What's it about?'—the film is in serious trouble.

I came out of Neal 'N' Nikki scratching my head, wondering what it was all about...Let me give it a shot...a guy who wants it and a girl who doesn't get it? Is it meant to be a stylist's fantasy or a dress designer's nightmare? Or is it meant to reflect the changing face of Yashraj Films?

Very frankly I felt cheated when I saw Neal 'N' Nikki...because I've the greatest of respect for Yashraj Films. I've grown up watching their films...gulped in Daag, gasped in Deewaar, sighed in Kabhi Kabhie, chuckled in Chandni and swooned in DDLJ.

So what happened? What could've prompted Arjun Sablok to go from such a luscious level of classiness to pure psssst-pssst time-pass cinema?

I haven't the foggiest. But it was tough coming to terms with his changed priorities. After he read my review I had to deal with his hurt. "You could've first told me how you felt about my film before writing about it. At least I'd have been warned." But I felt too betrayed for niceties. Ditto my friend Sujoy Ghosh. After seeing the pancake-flat freaked-out panache of Home Delivery I can't believe he made Jhankar Beats just a year ago.

What goes wrong with directors in their post-debut films? Is it the anxiety to perform that makes them go creatively detumescent? How do you explain the aridity of true inventiveness in the current crop of films by second-timers?

The exception is Mohit Suri who has grown considerably since that scene-by-scene almost word-for-word rip-off of Carl Franklin's Out Of Time. Suri's Kalyug was original. Though it was about the world of pornography there were no sleazy passages in the film...and yes, the leading lady wore her lingerie under her clothes—like they used to do in civilized societies.

To me that was enough reason to kiss Mahesh Bhatt's hand. The man and I have never seen eye to eye about his shameless apery of every Hollywood film he could lay his hand on.

But let's give the devil his due. Kalyug may not be a classic . But when asked what it's about, I don't have to look around in unmitigated panic.

My first prediction for 2006: films with strong story-lines—Vishal Bhardwaj's Othello, Madhur Bhandarkar's Corporate, Mani Shankar's The Informer(this one about a young government spy on the run, is a stunner), Farhan Akhtar's Don , J.P.Dutta's Umrao Jaan and Sanjay Bhansali's Sanvariya —will be the outright winners.

Which is to say they won't be multiplex successes but single-theatre conquests. A lot of movie makers in Mumbai seem to have forgotten that most Indians watch films in smaller towns where the popcorn doesn't supercede the value of the film. Not yet.