Santa: There’s no Kitty for me, only Jeeto and Preeto.
Webmaster: I mean to say that is what all do you have up your sleeve?
Santa: There’s only a ‘taveet’ (arm-band for lucky charm), which was given to me by a ‘Sadhu’ (hermit) for good luck with females. And I believe this ‘taveet’ has been quite lucky for me.
Webmaster: Mr One-track-mind, I would only like to know about the happenings in the past one month.
Santa: Ok, you must communicate with me in a simple language. You see I am a simpleton from a rural background. So don’t confuse me with the kitties and their sleeves. Actually a lot has happened in the past few days and I will share them one by one.
Webmaster: Sir, I don’t intend sharing your Kitties, Jeetos and Preetos. Sorry, just joking. Please disclose.
Santa: There is nothing to disclose but a lot to disrobe. The Prince of Wales visited Bollywood to ogle the nymphets. The wrinkled Camilla fails to inspire his physiology and the dreams (read nightmares) of Diana are few and far between. So the only choice for Charles is, those fascinated with the fair skin.
Webmaster: Who’s the lucky lass?
Santa: Rani Mukherjee. She fits the bill and reminds me of Rani of Jhansi too. She was at the forefront of the freedom struggle against the British in 1857 mutiny. And look at the irony, the prince (representing Monarchy) specially took out time to give the clap for the movie on the mutiny called ‘1857- The Rising’. And not to miss, Rani features in this movie. So who is bitten by whom?
Webmaster: Someone is really bitten by the mad dog!
Santa: But I heard of only mad cows in Europe.
Webmaster: Who is the mad cow here?
Santa: I don’t know here but I would like to go down south to bestow this title to the lady fiddling with the media.
Webmaster: You are referring to Jayalalitha, right?
Santa: I’d like to keep mum. You see, no ruffling the feathers of any mad cow.
Webmaster: She has already provided enough fodder to the media.
Santa: You see all those alleged for corruption, play in circles with these animals. First it was Laloo in the fodder scam and now all of them have got into the habit of milking the system.
Webmaster: But who doesn’t?
Santa: Bhathal is also trying, though unsuccessfully.
Webmaster: I believe Badal is not far behind either by alleging corruption in police transfers.
Santa: No, he is only making a prophecy by predicting about corruption because of transfers.
Webmaster: Since when did he become a seer?
Santa: You don’t have to be a seer to predict such a simple thing. He is relying on his experience. After all, he has been at the helm for so long.
Webmaster: So does this normally happen?
Santa: No it abnormally happens in the rich states like Punjab.
Webmaster: Any other example?
Santa: Maharashtra is the case in the point. The stamp papers scandal is now being rated as the mother of all scandals. As a result, the DGP of Mumbai and one ASI are alleged to be worth hundreds of crores.
Webmaster: This country is sure going to the dogs.
Santa: Not really. There is still some sanity in the system. Look at Sushil Sharma of ‘Tandoor murder’ fame. He has been sent to the gallows. What a recipe? Seekh Qaid or Tandoori Phanda.
Webmaster: Serves him right.
Santa: But Rahul Dravid is not serving Indian cricket well. His performance is not up to the mark.
Webmaster: But BCCI is more to blame for experimenting behind the wickets.
Santa: They are known to play spoilsports behind the scenes as well. But one thing is sure; Dravid is not suited for this job. Suits remind me of Fleming crying hoarse about tailor-made pitches. I think, he picked up the cue from Indian cricketers. They were quite vocal in condemning the pitches of New Zealand too. I think, "If we win it is my dues. If we lose, it is pitch that pulled the fuse" is the new mantra of cricket captaincy.
Webmaster: After all, ‘Suit Nahi Karega’! What about the Hockey captaincy?
Santa: It should go like this, "If you lose then don’t rue. If you win, don’t eye the press with a grin; you could fall flat on the chin (Dhanraj style)." You see, Tirkey was aware of this pitfall. He won the match and stayed away from the press or else he would have been cooked and eaten up by Rajinder and Gill like a roasted turkey.
Webmaster: Any news from the Bollywood?
Santa: All silence except for Aishwarya turning 30. I couldn’t imagine how she could reveal her age. You know beyond 25 such ladies get caught in a time warp. Flight of time remains unconquered by the scientific minds but these beautiful maidens conquer it with ease. They never age. Look at Rekha, she can easily pass of as Ash's elder sister.
Webmaster: What about those who got married, like Sharmila?
Santa: They are exceptions. They do age and gracefully, too. How can a twenty plus lady have thirty-year-old son. Likewise, Karishma’s ageing has started where as Aishwarya’s has not.
Webmaster: What’s hot back home in Punjab?
Santa: Nothing special except the bumper paddy crop. The ‘thekas’ are (liquor vends) making hay. Daler’s cat and mouse game with Punjab Police goes on and so does Maharaja’s admonishment of his Senapati (Siddiqee).
Webmaster: Which one would you like to elaborate
Santa: This senapati affair reeks of the royal traits of yore. The Maharaja admonished the DGP in public view, like his forefathers might have done to their courtiers. Thank God, he didn’t have him blinded or thrown up in Kaal Kothri (dungeon). Perhaps he was reminded by one of his courtiers, well in time, that he was not a regent but a democratically elected CM. But he did have the audacity to order his ‘Desh Nikala’ (Exile). “Go to Delhi if you don’t want to obey my orders”, he said. And I must rush home too, to escape ‘ghar nikala’ by Jeeto. See you soon.
