| This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells. NAME Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I? DESIRED SALARY Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION Yes. LAST POSITION HELD Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING It was a crap job. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK Any. PREFERRED HOURS 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - NO! On my breaks - YES! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely. They hired him because he was so funny..... |