| Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training. Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass Empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar. Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above. Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face. Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror. Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through an empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with the bartender. Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures. Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action: Cover mouth. Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault: Your dancing on the table. Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking. Symptom: Beer is crystal clear. Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up. Action: Punch him. Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault: You have been in a fight. Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action: See if they have free beer. Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. Fault: The beer is too weak. Action: Have more beer until your voice improves. Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. Fault: Beer is just right. Action: Play air guitar. |