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    A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."
    "What do you mean almost?" question the priest.
    "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
    "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You`re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary`s and put $50 in the poor box."
    The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.
    The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn`t put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it`s the same as putting it in!"
  • Radio Cometition One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
    Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
    Shane: Yeah, sure.
    Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex...
  • Condom factory 'Our largest condom factory has exploded,' the American President cried. 'My people`s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!'
    'Mr. Bush, the Russian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied Putin.
    'I do need your help' said Mr. Bush.
    'Could you send 1,000,000 condoms...
  • Taxidermist! A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
    The bartender looked up and said, 'You ain`t from around here, are you? Where are you from, boy?'
    The guy said...
  • We have everything A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
    At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
    She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, 'Oh miss, oh miss!' with his...
  • Robotic Secretary Santa goes to meet his notorious techno-geek friend in his office.
    'Hey, Santa, how are you?'
    'I`m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!', says Santa
    'Well, I`m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she`s a robot!'
    'No way, how could that be?', says Santa
    'Way! She`s the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left...
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