| Two blonde girls from Essex walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don'tcha fink, Susan." "Yeah. Wot's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? Wot's that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again saying, "That don't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?" |
| A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit. To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed. Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up. This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign. *"Depth 1.8metres"* Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another. More stares came her way... the sign read: *"Men's entrance"* She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab. Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign: *"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back"* |
| Dennis the drunk was broke as usual, but needed a drink. He knew the barman to be a sporting fellow, so he offered him a bet. "I'll bet you the price of a pint of beer that my prick is longer than your cat's tail," he said to the barman. The barman could not resist a certain winning bet so he lay down his money. The barman whipped up the cat and measured it and then measured Dennis's somewhat sad-looking member. "You lose by just over 3 inches, Dennis," he said, "so pay up!" "Jus' a minute," slurred Dennis. "Where did you measure th' cat's tail from?" "From its arse to its to its tip replied the barman. "OK," said Dennis. "Well, would you mind giving me the same courtesy!" |
| A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy." The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper." |