| A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway about 15 feet. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you've seen us do." |
| An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun. When he awakes, he says, "I will grant you three wishes." The man replies, "I want nothing from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you." and walks away. The leprechaun says, "He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I'll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there's the same leprechaun. "How are you?" he asks. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine! How's your golf game?" "It's great! Every round I'm under par!" "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun. "And how's your financial condition?" "Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there's money there." "I did that for you, too!" responds the leprechaun. "So how's your sex life?" Now the golfer looks at the ground. "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored. "Once or twice a week?! That's all?" "Well, that's not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!" |
| The husband's tee shot went far right, while the wife's went far left. She finally found her ball in a patch of buttercups. She took several practice swings and then hit a nice ball back onto the fairway, but in the process, she hacked the hell out of the buttercups. As she returned to her bag, a woman appeared out of nowhere. "I'm Mother Nature and I resent the way you treated my buttercups. As punishment, from this moment on you will hate the taste of butter. Each time you eat it you'll become nauseous." Mother Nature then vanished as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife yelled to her husband, "Honey! Where are you?" "I'm over here... in the pussy willows." She screamed, "Hold your swing! HOLD YOUR SWING!!!" |
| An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for
the weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see
if any group might need a fourth member. Sure enough, there were
three women and they were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!" One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies and not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen again. The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and her ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She immediately said "Oh shit!" The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it seemed like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word that he was told he should not use. The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball didn't hit the fucking tree!" |