| A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." |
| The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce." The judge said, "Why do you want a divorce?" "Because my husband is a terrible lover." "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years." "I don't understand," said the judge. "Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he's a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn't know!" |
| John and Mary were high school sweethearts, but had never had sex. "We must wait until we are married," Mary told him. He waited. They were engaged for years, until the big day arrived. On their wedding night, Mary shyly confessed, "I have bad news. I started my period and I don't want our first time to be all messy!" John moaned, "You're kidding." Mary said, "We'll just have to wait a while longer." Mary fell asleep, but awoke at 3 AM and noticed John was wide-awake, staring at the ceiling. "John, you might as well go to sleep." John sighed, "I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!" |
| With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, `Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!` |