| A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers. "Is it working?" her daughter asks. "Yes and no," her mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20." |
| A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir." "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir." |
| Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well...you'll love this one. My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: "What did you teach?" |
| A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning." |