| An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." |
| The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family's urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day. A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist's office. "I wanna report that I wash drunk last night," he mumbled. "For heaven's sake, man, you're drunk right now! "cried the doctor. "Yeah I know," said the patient, "but I'm gonna report this tomorrow...." |
| A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous. Every time the door opens he jumps. Every time there is a noise he cringes. The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks, "What's the matter with you?" "Well I received a letter today that said if I didn't stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me." For heaven's sake, Why don't you just stop fooling around with his wife?" Came the reply, "I would but he didn't sign his name!!" |
| Two smart fellows were in a pub. They called the pubs owner over and asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one. "There be two pints in a quart", confirmed the owner. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. "Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house." The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?" "That's right," he called back, "two pints." |