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Drunk & The Nun
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?" -
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning! -
Self Refilling
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
*Poof*
A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!" -
Stages of Drunk
The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.